This month’s song is REM’s “Losing My Religion”. I did my pull-a-line-and-go-with-it thing. Working from the line:
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up
Here’s the video, if you want to have a listen:
My heart stopped.
I’d always thought that was just a saying. An exaggeration. But, fuck me sideways, my heart actually stopped as soon as the words were out of my mouth and drew Linc’s attention to me.
His attention on me… That’s what I’d wanted for so long, but not like this. Not because I was tired, and my mouth got away from me.
And just as suddenly as it froze, my heart started hammering, painfully, as I tried to figure out some way I could spin, explain or joke away what I’d blurted out.
But, really, it was an impossible task. He’d been joking around, while we took a break from studying for the Chem final in his room, talking about our friend, Todd, who was pining away for a girl back home and had turned down several girls when we’d gone out the night before. Even though the girl back home had made it clear – several times – she wasn’t interested in Todd.
Linc had shaken his head and rolled his eyes before saying that maybe if Todd just hooked up with someone else, he’d start getting over his long-time crush. Fuck her right out of his head. Without thinking, without even looking up at Linc, I opened my mouth…and probably ruined the longest and best friendship I had.
The words echoed in my ears – Didn’t work for me. Could never fuck you out my head, no matter how many times I tried.
Blacks spots danced in front of me, refusing to disappear no matter how many times I blinked. I felt pressure around my hand and realized it was Linc’s fingers wrapped around mine.
“…for fuck’s sake, breathe!”
I drew in a deep breath, released it, then did it again. Finally, my vision cleared, and I met Linc’s brown eyes. Eyes I’d imagined so often, but never like this. Full of concern…and pity.
“Hey.” He leaned forward a bit, squeezing my hand.
I jerked away and stood quickly, knocking the chair down. Linc shook his head as he got to his feet.
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I turned, unable to look at him anymore, and stumbled to the door. I could hear him moving behind me, saying my name. I was a coward and cursed myself for that, but I didn’t stop. I yanked the door open then sprinted down the hallway and out the building. Breaking into a full out run when I hit the pavement outside and heading toward my own building.
I ignored the vibrations in my pocket from my phone, knowing it was him and feeling relieved he hadn’t chased after me. I knew I couldn’t avoid him forever, and despite my current mortification, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want a life that didn’t have Linc in it, even if it wasn’t exactly the way I wanted him in it. I prayed to every deity I could think of that I hadn’t driven the best friend I had away.
Tomorrow, I’d go and talk to him, say what I should have said right away. Should have followed the stupid words with reassurances that nothing had to change, that I’d accepted a long time ago that what I felt was one-sided.
I pushed into my room and, closing my eyes, leaned back against the door. Tomorrow – I’d work on fixing this, then. For now… I’d just work on forgetting the damned pity in his eyes.