Hello! This month’s song fic is based on “Glycerine” by Bush. Here is a video if you want to have a listen:
Oh this was a haaaaaard one. LOL But finally something popped into my head and I’m rolling with it. Have no idea if it truly fits the song, but either way, it’s what came while I was listening so it counts. 😛 Here we go…
“Don’t even think about it.”
“Huh?” I didn’t even look at my best friend, Lily, as she practically spit the words at me. No, my eyes were on my boyfriend…ex-boyfriend. He wasn’t mine anymore. And that was a good thing. Though looking at him across the crowded room, it was hard to remember why. I wanted nothing more than to push my way through the people between us and wrap myself around him.
What can I say? When it came to Josh, I was fucking weak. After the last time we broke it off -yeah, the last in a long line of break-ups; like I said…weak – I had promised not to go back. Hell, coming to this party was supposed to be all about getting over Josh and maybe moving on to someone else – the last thing? Lily and our friend, Tom’s idea. I didn’t think hooking up while I was still clearly stuck on Josh was a good idea, but they had dragged me along. Obviously, they hadn’t expected Josh to show up. I hadn’t either. Parties weren’t exactly Josh’s thing.
“Dammit, Sam.” Lily grabbed my arm and spun me around to face her. “Look at you – all freaking gooey eyed the second he walks in the room. You need to remember why he is bad for you. You broke up with him for a reason! Hell, a lot of really good reasons.”
“Lil… It’s not like he’s a bad guy.” I glanced over my shoulder then yelped when her dainty, but amazingly strong fingers grasped my chin and turned my face back toward her.
“I’m not saying he’s a bad guy,” she said, not so convincingly. “But you two are wrong for each other. Your relationship was codependent, at best. The two of you together…do not make good choices. And the last time,” she leaned forward and dropped her voice, “he hit you.”
“We were drunk,” I protested. “And I hit him, too.”
“Yeah, and most of the time you’re together, more often than not, you’re drunk or you’re high. See? Bad fucking choices, Sam.” Her eyebrows shot up as she gave me “the look”.
I hated that don’t-disappoint-me look. I thought by moving away from home, i’d escaped it, but nay, nay, Lily kept it alive and well.
“But you constantly put all the blame on him,” I pointed out. “And the problems we had, they’re not all on him.”
“No, they’re not,” she agreed. “You’re both motherfucking idiots when it comes to each other.”
I shook my head. She didn’t get it. Even though I was the one who had initiated half our break-ups, I loved him. And I hated being alone, being without him. And it wasn’t as if it was all screaming fights and arguments between us. There were a helluva lot of good times too. And I missed those.
“We have been,” I said, mostly to get her off my back. “But…”
I looked back again, and my stomach jumped when I saw Josh weaving his way through the crowd toward us.
“No. No buts, Sam,” Lily said, loudly enough that, even with the music blaring, people turned to look at us.
“You don’t understand,” I said, gaze darting between her and Josh.
“Fucking right I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can choose to be miserable. How you can choose to be in a relationship that is no good for either of you. Hell, if you love him so damned much, think about him. Being together is not good for him. Do what’s right for you and Josh.” She spoke right in my ear and quickly, clearly wanting to have her say before he could hear.
And damn…damn, damn, damn. In what world was this fucking fair? How affected I could be by one word, my name, on his freaking lips… I turned and actually sighed like a little girl watching a Disney movie. He was too damned pretty for my own damned good. His full lips curved into the crooked smile I thought about more than I ever wanted to admit to anyone.
“Hey, Josh, what are you doing here?” Lily said bluntly. “You hate parties.”
His expression fell. He glanced between us a few times, then his gaze landed on me. “I… Well, I was hoping you’d be here. I wanted to talk, but didn’t think you’d answer my calls.”
“That should have been a big clue. If he won’t answer your calls, why would you think he’d want to see you?”
“Lily!” I stared at her, stomach sour and heart racing.
“Dammit, Sam.” She met my gaze, then lifted her hands and let them drop, slapping against her thighs. “I love you, but you’re gonna do whatever the fuck it is you want to do anyway, and I don’t have to watch it. Can’t bear to watch it. Just call me when it’s time to pick up the pieces…again.”
Without giving me a chance to respond, she turned on her heel and strode away. Cheeks hot and hands shaking, I faced Josh.
“Is she right? You don’t want to see me?”
I cleared my throat, staring at him, wanting to do the right thing. Only problem was I didn’t know what the right thing was when it came to him and me.
“Why would you even want to? A few weeks ago, you couldn’t wait to get away from me,” I choked out.
“I was stupid, fucked up on the pills and everything. I haven’t…” He wet his lips and ducked his head, looking at me from beneath those insanely long lashes. “Haven’t touched them since. Haven’t had a drink. I even…I even went to the counseling center, saw someone. Been seeing them a couple times a week. Talking though a lot of shit. You know, about my mom and dad and stuff.”
I nodded, heart aching for him. If I’d thought my home life sucked when I moved out, it was a fucking cake walk compared to what Josh had gotten away from.
“I just wanted to talk. I get if you don’t want to be around me. That’s fair. Grant – that’s the counselor I’ve been talking too – said I shouldn’t… Well, he didn’t think it was a good idea to see you, again. You know, like we were. But I need to at least talk to you. I was a complete ass; I see that now. I’m so sorry, Sam.”
“It wasn’t just you,” I protested. “I”m sorry, too.”
“Can we get out of here and go somewhere quiet to talk?” he asked. “Please.”
“Yeah, we can talk.”
He grinned and grabbed my hand. As we dodged people and made out way to the front door, I promised myself to be strong, this time. We’d talk, put things to rest, maybe? Or maybe with the changes he was making and the help he was getting, he’d be in a better place, and we could make it work. Not now, of course, but in the future. Because I couldn’t deny I wanted a future with him. Always did.
Ten minutes later, when my back hit the wall of Josh’s dorm room and his lips were on mine, Lily’s words sounded in my head – Wrong for each other… Codependent, at best… Bad fucking decisions… – but I shoved them aside. She didn’t know. She didn’t understand.
“Fuck, Sammy, I missed you,” Josh murmured, trailing kisses along my jaw and down my neck. “Hate being without you. Feel so damned numb.” His hands flexed on my hips as he pressed closer. “I can feel again, now. With you. Taste so fucking beautiful, babe. Love you so much. God, is it the same for you?” He lifted his head and met my eyes. “Is it just me?”
I cupped his face and pulled him in again then whispered against his lips, “No, me too. God, me too.”